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Overcoming Anger
I spend a lot of time helping people learn how to handle their anger. Most of them are good people.
By Gary G. Jones, D. Min.,
Pastor of Counseling Resources
By “good” I mean they do not have character defects which prevent them from seeing the damage their anger is doing in their homes, their marriages, their places of employment, and their lives. For many of the people I see, anger has become a way of life. Some of them are even mad about being mad! However, most of them are hurting and frustrated that they have not been able to overcome anger. Several concepts have helped people overcome their struggles with anger.
ANGER IS A NORMAL EMOTION
First, it is not the anger that is the problem. Many Christians mistakenly believe that anger is a sin. Anger is a legitimate, God-given emotion. The problem occurs in the way the anger is expressed. Anger can be expressed constructively or destructively. In the early 1970’s, the predominate line of thinking was that anger had to be released. People were taught that if anger was not released or expressed it was emotionally destructive for the person who was angry. What I have discovered is that when anger is inappropriately expressed it intensifies. Rather than experiencing relief, the angry person experiences an intensifying sense of anger.
ANGER IS NOT A
PROBLEM-SOLVING EMOTION
Second, while there is nothing “wrong” with anger, it is not a problem-solving emotion. Frequently, when anger begins to surface communication comes to an end. The reason this occurs is because the person receiving the angry communication will respond to the anger, rather than to the problem which contributed to the anger. I call this the Sumo Syndrome. Sumo wrestlers are 400-pound guys who wrestle with diapers on. The wrestlers step into a small circle and squat down while facing each other. To the uninformed observer, it appears that for some unknown reason one of them finally jumps up and moves toward the other wrestler. Then the second wrestler jumps up and moves toward the first man. Angry people operate in a similar manner. When one person expresses anger in an inappropriate manner, frequently, the target of his anger will jump right back at him (or her) with his own display of anger. Once someone becomes angry, the goal becomes winning the argument, not solving the problem.
ANGER AS A SYMPTOM
Anger is a symptom of the problem. The real problem frequently is found in three powerful emotions – fear, hurt and frustration. Expressing concerns from one of these primary emotions, rather than through the use of anger, allows the other person to respond to the complaint rather than respond to the anger. My observation has been that communicating the primary emotion is more difficult for men than for women. This is especially true when expressing fear and hurt. Some of this seems to be changing, but to a large extent it is not culturally acceptable for men to speak of being afraid or being hurt. It is more culturally acceptable for men to mask the fear and hurt with anger. While this masking of emotions may be culturally acceptable, it is not relationally productive, “for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” James 1:20
HEALTHY EXPRESSIONS
Learning how to express fear, hurt and frustration requires a lot of vulnerability. There are many rewards for that vulnerability. A few of them include:
Understanding that anger is a symptom can also help the person who is not angry avoid the Sumo Syndrome. When dealing with an angry, person it will only make things worse to become angry, too. So, ask yourself these questions:
Often, looking behind the anger and dealing with the root cause of the anger can defuse the anger in another person.
PUTTING SOLUTIONS INTO PRACTICE
These concepts sound deceptively simple. The theory of relativity is a simple concept (at least to a physicist), but the use of that theory produced atomic power. There is tremendous power in our words. There is a tendency for people who are struggling with anger to minimize the impact of their angry outbursts on those they love. The minimization is compounded by the fact that many times the offender can point to some real or perceived offense by the person they are angry with. What they fail to see is that their anger is out of proportion to the situation. Their own words and attitudes are building walls of resentment between them and their loved ones.
Anger has an addictive quality to it. Even when they see the destruction their anger is causing, it is difficult for angry people to overcome their anger. Overcoming anger requires a great deal of humility. Christians have the distinct advantage of seeking help from God. Philippians 2:13 reminds us that it is “God at work in you both to will and to do His good pleasure.” The first step is admitting to God, ourselves and others that we have a problem with anger. Accountability is a key factor in winning the battle with anger. Unless we confess our faults to one another (James 5:16) we will not be able to pray effectively for each other.
Anger can be conquered! With God’s help, the support of fellow Christians, and learning new, appropriate and healthy ways of expressing our needs, we can overcome “the sin which so easily entangles us” (Hebrews 12:1) – even the inappropriate expression of anger.
For information about Men Under Construction—Building Spiritual and Relational Skills for Emotionally Healthy Lives, please contact the church office at 483-6512.
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