Titanic Marriages

I was able to avoid it for more than a year—seeing the movie Titanic. I was so sick of hearing about the movie that I refused to pay to see it!

By 
Gary G. Jones, D.Min.
Pastor of Counseling Resources

When I did have the opportunity to see it, free of charge, I did not find it to be “entertaining.” However, it did make me think, which is probably what the director intended. I thought about all of the people who start their marital “cruise” with unsinkable expectations. The china is new, the sheets are freshly laundered, the menus are planned. There is only one real problem: the couple has no navigational skills, and there are certainly not enough lifeboats to accommodate a disaster of Titanic proportions. The happy couple contentedly sets sail on their cruise, believing that disaster will never strike their marriage.

Icebergs Dead Ahead!
Research has repeatedly demonstrated that all married couples experience problems. The marriage survives when couples have the skills necessary to overcome the problems. Author Gary Smalley relates the story of going to see his physician. The physician had a picture of the Titanic on his office wall. When Smalley commented on the picture, his physician said, “Were you aware that the captain of the Titanic received six separate notices about the danger of icebergs on his route?” When Smalley replied in the negative, expressing his surprise that the captain would continue in such an ill-advised manner, his doctor asked him, “How many times have you been warned about your heart?”

It is so easy to look at the captain of the Titanic and wonder how he could have been so arrogant, careless, naive, or whatever he really was. It is another story on our personal voyage: we pretend there are no icebergs in the dark waters of our lives. What are some of the icebergs that sink marriages?

Identifying the Icebergs
Willard Harley identified five behaviors that he repeatedly observed as being damaging to marriages. He thoroughly explores all of these concepts in his book, Love Busters (Revell, 1992).

Iceberg #1—Angry Outbursts

Handling disagreements in helpful rather than destructive ways is a key ingredient in keeping a marriage afloat. Much like an iceberg, the real power of anger is below the surface. Many couples sail along mistakenly believing that the problem is not that great—after all, it looks small on the surface. It wasn’t the portion of the iceberg above the water that sank the Titanic. Inappropriately expressed anger is tearing the fabric of intimacy at the deepest level in many marriages. Unfortunately, many couples, like the Titanic, never see the problem until their marriage is already doomed.

Iceberg #2—Disrespectful Judgments

Disrespect tears at the self-worth of your spouse. It communicates the idea that your spouse is not really important to you. Disrespect may be communicated in many ways but often takes the form of ridicule.  At the heart of this behavior is attempting to impose your values and beliefs on your spouse.  Initially, disrespectful judgments may be disguised as humor.  When sarcasm is used to communicate, in disguised form, the result is that our partner feels disrespected.

Iceberg #3—Annoying Behaviors

If it weren’t such a destructive problem it would be humorous. During the courtship, couples tend to idealize their prospective mate. The process of idealization causes them to minimize many of the behaviors they find annoying during the courtship. However, after a few years of marriage, resentment begins to build. The partner’s behaviors are interpreted as being inconsiderate at the least and intentional at the worst. This is closely related to the fourth iceberg—Selfish Demands.