You’ve Got Mail! 
An Evaluation of Your Marital Intimacy

Did you see the movie? Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, stars of the movie, meet in a cyberspace chat room.

By 
Gary G. Jones, D. Min.
Pastor of Counseling Resources

Or maybe you’ve seen the commercial on TV, the one where the guy looks like a candidate for “The Incredible Bulk” award. He and his female counterpart have both been misrepresenting themselves as much more physically attractive than they really are. Both the movie and the commercial play out humorous romantic scenarios that are potentially based on real life interactions. In real life the results may be neither romantic nor funny.

Making the Wrong Connection
What are people looking for? What need drives men and women to seek electronic companionship from people who are otherwise virtual strangers? I believe people are searching for intimacy—a sense of being vitally connected with another person—especially a person of the opposite sex. Les and Leslie Parrott call it being “soul mates.” A friend of mine, whose sailboat is named Intimasea, told me that he defined intimacy as “into me see.” Isn’t that the antithesis of a cyber relationship? Instead of allowing another person to see deeply into them, lonely people develop facades, false selves. They use the veneer to prevent people from seeing who they really are, fearing that no one would like the real person.

What has intrigued me is that many of the people who wind up in my office through some byproduct of a cyber-relationship are already married. These are people whose intimacy needs should be met by their partner. Why are these men and women looking for intimacy outside of their marriage? Frequently it is because they are not experiencing intimacy in their marriage. Rather than determining how to restore the intimacy in their marriage they begin to look for intimacy outside of the existing relationship.

A Measure of Intimacy
Social scientists attempt to measure intimacy by asking people scaling questions. On a scale of one to ten, with one being very rarely and ten being almost always, how would you answer the following questions?

1. When you have leisure time, how often do you choose to spend it with your spouse?
2. How often do you show your spouse affection?
3. How often do you confide very personal information to your spouse?
4. How often are you able to understand your spouse’s feelings?
5. How often do you feel close to your spouse?

Questions like these help us develop a sense of the intensity of the intimacy in our relationship. If the intensity is low, it is helpful to realize that intimacy does not just happen— it must be cultivated.

Choosing the Right Behaviors
Many of the couples who pass through my office make the mistake of looking primarily to major events to restore the passion they have lost. They plan the cruise, the ski trip, or an extended vacation, but then they ignore the cumulative effects of the lack of small, affectionate gestures on a daily basis. There are a number of specific expressions of intimacy that connected couples use to maintain and develop intimacy:

• They work to make sure their communication has a pleasant tone to it. Research indicates that intimately connected couples make about five positive comments for every unpleasant comment.
• They work to develop a sense of affection in their words, in their touch—in their overall interactions. Each word, touch or action might be inconsequential in and of itself. However, it is the thousands of small, thoughtful gestures of love and affection that build a sense of intimacy.

One couple wrote, “Intimacy is not a goal in and of itself. It is much like happiness: The more you actively seek it, the more elusive it becomes. Intimacy is a byproduct of the right kinds of behaviors.”

Getting Out of the Rut
“You’ve Got Mail!” Three words that say someone, somewhere cared enough to take time to connect with me. Occasionally, when I am visiting with a couple in my office, they will say that they can’t afford to date each other. I generally give them the assignment of going on a two or three dollar date. My wife and I recently purchased an ice-cream shake from a local shop. We then drove to a spot not far from where we live and sat in the light of the full moon and shared the shake. More importantly, we shared the moment. Intimacy isn’t about finances—it’s about effort. How much effort are you putting into your relationships? Someone recently told me that, “a rut is just a grave with the ends kicked out.” Getting out of the emotional rut you are in may take some work but it can be done. Be reasonable with your expectations – no relationship is a “ten” all of the time. However, you can experience a deeper level of intimacy on a consistent basis when you accept the fact that relationships require work.